Thoughts..

What if I told you that I really do try? That I bust my butt everyday just to make you happy? I like seeing people around me happy…the people I love, the people who mean the most to me…the people who may mean the most to me, but they think I’m nothing…nodda. Or at least that ‘s how I feel. Then why do you keep hanging out with them? I don’t know. I ask myself this question almost every day….maybe its because I feel a part of something with them…we do have our good days, don’t get me wrong. But then…we have our off days…..like now. I’m sitting in the living room watching tv…well, writing this…and one is sitting in another room, probably watching the same show….with the door shut. Did I do something to piss you off? What? Is it me? Am I not good enough for you? I try. I really do try…I want you to like me, to accept me, to say to yourself “I’m glad she’s my roommate, my suitemate, my friend”…I often wonder if that’s what they think about me…if they’re glad that they picked me as a roommate. As an extra wheel. Sometimes, I think they do…but then, most of the time…I wonder if they think they’ve made a big mistake…and I should tell myself…”if they’re treating you this way…why do you do the things you do for them??” Well…is it because I want them to accept me..to like me, to think to themselves…”I’m glad she’s my roommate”…I don’t know. I just. Don’t. know. Why do I try so hard to make them happy, when its just bringing me down? I have no effing clue. Is it too much to ask to be loved and hugged and talked too? I hope not. Because if it is…I’m effed hardcore.

I'm the kinda girl...

who will do almost anything for the people she loves and cares about. No matter what the cost. I just want my loved ones to be happy...sometimes I don't feel welcomed, but no matter how they treat me, I still treat them like gold. Is this a good or bad thing? I just don't know.

Love.

Physics can kiss my a...

Most of the times with the blogs, I really don’t have anything planned out. I just kinda go where my mind takes me….and sometimes that’s a good thing, and other times its bad. Like bad when you’re sitting in physics or philosophy and your mind wanders to thanksgiving break, or what you’re doing later in the day, or just about life in general, and then you snap back to reality and realize you have NO idea what’s going on in that freaking class. And then there are times when I can’t sleep at night and I just lay there, and I think about life and where I’m going, where I’ve been, and what I actually want to do with this crazy thing called life. (I still don’t have any effing idea just for the lovely readers out there…) ANYWAYS. Um. I don’t know. I never know. I’m just kinda hoping that I get it right the first time. ..but there are always bound to be mistakes that I make…I’m only human. We’re only human.

Life is tough sometimes. Sometimes its easy. Sometimes it likes to play tricks on you. For me, right now, life is pretty good…but tough. I just don’t know sometimes. I am running on empty…can it be Thanksgiving break yet? There is never a minute when I can’t be doing homework, or studying , or reading, or doing physics problems. I just can’t wait until I’m done with physics, that class is just so…not cool. The professor kindof sucks, he is super smart, but he can’t convey it to the students. And that just pisses me off. I’m paying what…30,000 a year? I want good teachers. Not shitty ones who will make me dread going to that class every m,w,f and make me worry about not keeping my scholarship because his dumb class might bring my gpa below a 3.0. Whatever. Fuck it.

Life is life. Its hard sometimes, its funny sometimes, it makes me want to cry, or laugh, or smile, or frown or just flip the bird and say f you dude. But most of all..its life. You gotta love it.

Random Rants 1

Do you ever have one of those days when you just question almost every decision you’ve ever made? Yes? Me too. I don’t know…I just wish I knew where I was supposta be going in life…I hope I’m going in the right direction, but who knows. Not me! Ha, that’s for sure. College is when you’re supposta have the time of your life and know where you want to go and what you want to do. Haha screw that philosophy. I AM having the time of my life and I LOVE it here…but I have NO idea WHATSOEVER if I’m going in the right direction…which really blows. Especially when you’re paying 30,000 a year for this indecisiveness. But I think I’m doing the right thing. Haha, I hope. Live and learn, they say. Live and learn. Sometimes I just wish I would get a sign or something that would tell me what to do, where to live, where to work, who to marry, ect. You know? That would take SO much stress out of my life, it would be insane. BUT that doesn’t happen. You know why? Because if I knew all of these outcomes, it wouldn’t be life, it wouldn’t be going and doing and experiencing, because I already know what’s coming. If I knew all of these answers, I would say screw this, and be lazy. But because I don’t know these answers, I have to make myself go out and do and see and meet people and LIVE.

Love J